“Look man, Elmo needs to make a living too.”

This is probably my favorite news story ever written.

In short – an Elmo impersonator (yes, an impersonator, not the real Elmo) has been hassling passersby in Times Square for money, getting angry if they dont pay, and threatening some with physical violence.

To repeat…..there is a wild Elmo scouring Times Square for his touristy prey.  Amazing.  I love how this ’surly’ Elmo has appropriately disheveled red hair (do they just sell costumes like that?)…not to mention the truly outstanding witness quotes:

“What the hell, Elmo?”
“You have to tip Elmo or Elmo get angry!”

and what is probably the greatest quote in the paper’s history,

“Look man, Elmo needs to make a living too.”

Phenomenal job, Times Square…I love living here.

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Oh Jesus, Where’s Sam Jackson When You Need Him?

This story is for everyone who thought “Snakes On A Plane” was a foolish, unrealistic idea for a movie. [EAT IT, NAYSAYERS!]

Four baby pythons somehow escaped from their maximum security holding chamber plastic foam box on an Australian plane en route to Melbourne last week. Unfortunately, there was no immediate entertaining outbreak of snake attacks, no fake boob-biting, and as far as the AP knows, there was nobody to ‘open some fuckin’ windows.’ To be fair, they also didn’t know the snakes escaped until they landed.

But the best part of the story? They never found the mother-f’in snakes!

“A reptile expert searched for the 6-inch snakes but did not find them. It was not known if the snakes were still on the plane or if they had somehow escaped outside after the plane landed.”

To recap: snakes fly on a plane, snakes escape on a plane, nobody knows if snakes are still on a plane or if they’re on a killing spree. Note to self – steer clear of Melbourne for a little while.

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24: Day 6, 10:00PM – 11:00PM

Today I add something to my semi-long list of things I wish I’d thought of.  24, Day 6: 10:00PM – 11:00PM is one of the greatest episodes of the series.  Ep.10 is easily one of the top five 24’s ever, and it’s a simple why…

SO.  MUCH.  SHIT.  HAPPENS.

*****SPOILERS BELOW*****
*****DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS EP (AND INTEND TO)*****

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Here, in short, is what goes down during this episode:

-The episode STARTS with the military firing a nuke at Fayed’s country in an uncharacteristically ballsy and aggressive move by President Tame Wayne Palmer.

-We come to find out later that the bomb was unarmed and Palmer bluffed.  [Oh, shit.]

-President Palmer almost dies a few times.

-The Fayed takeover that was staged by CTU.

-Fayed knowing about it, via the distress signal, and eventually taking over the undercover team

-And in one of the most intense, series-defining scenes:

-Jack Bauer chases Fayed and attaches himself underneath the g-d dumptruck Fayed steals.
-Then, upon arrival at the terrorist camp, Jack proceeds to annihilate the group of terrorists – probably 9 heavily armed guys – by himself.
-Gets into an epic hand-to-hand battle with Fayed, eventually hanging him with a chain.
-After which, agent Doyle (Ricky Schroder) and his team arrive and survey the scene; Doyle looks around, sees Jack’s path of destruction, including Fayed hanging from the chain and the suitcase nukes on the table; looks down at Jack in amazement and says what we’ve all been thinking for six years – “Damn, Jack.”

-Undercover ops, Presidential drama, live nukes, fake nukes, Russians, the 24-staple Generic Arabs, CTU-soap drama – this all would have been enough but no; to top it all off, Jack gets a well-timed phone call from Audrey Raines, alive and being held captive by the Chinese.  Add Chinese drama to that list and this goes down as one of the greatest episodes of television in the past twenty years.

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Wait, Who Really Gives A Shit?

Hey, hi…so Who really cares that Paris Hilton’s shit was stolen and that she’s on a Rorschach-like vigilante warpath?  My email homepage was stacked with not one, not two, but THREE out of SIX headlines regarding Paris Hilton’s fraud scheme missing jewels, including the pictured top headline (image below).  Really?  Is that really the most important thing you have to tell me?  You have 1, maybe 2 and half seconds of my attention before I open my email and never see you again until the next time I restart my computer, and THIS is the most important thing that I should know?  Thanks.

And if John Travolta’s son dies, who gives a shit what Tom Cruise has to say?  Oh, Tom Cruise said he was sad?  Oh, hey guess what – A GUY’s SON JUST DIED, how the hell should he feel?  Was there a doubt that this would be his response?  Is that why they asked him?  Is there some industry-wide fascination among journalists that Tom Cruise might actually think something completely insane about anything? Sheeeeeeeeit.

I love and hate the Post because it is the absolute worst newspaper in the world.  Yet there are sometimes when you just cannot help but stare at a NY Post for a solid 20 minutes because you are so interested in the ridiculous punny headline or graphic venture (see my earlier post here for another example).  But, come on, there’s nothing more worthy of the front page then J-Lo’s ass in a bikini or Lindsay Lohan’s latest paparazzi showdown?  I’m not saying every day should be about Bosnia or the rain forest or ice caps or whatever the kids talk about these days, but come on.

Saddam Hussein + punny play on words + droopy penis = NY Post in a nutshell

Or maybe we need the Post to balance out the “serious” papers in town – i.e. NY Times, Wall St. Journal, and that red one (not the Russian community paper, the finance one…ya jerk).  The Daily News would like to be considered the more “serious” of the tabloid newspapers, but I also wanted to be a dinosaur when I grew up.  Honestly, the best papers are Newsday and USA Today – Newsday because it publishes horror stories from LIRR riders, one of my favorite pastimes to observe and read about; and USA Today because it reminds me of vacations and hotels.  It’s everywhere, it’s simple, colorful, no bullshit, and doesn’t smudge.  It’s like a Junior NY Times, with the same folds and format but with 800 more colored charts and graphs.  The Times is the best because I feel smarter holding it, and usually people on the train don’t notice that I’m asleep with my eyes open if I’ve got one (because I tend to do that…a lot).   I’m serious I do it all the time and its sooooooo freaky looking.

Hands down my all-time favorite Post headline.

Either way – who cares?!

[On a side note, to show just how much of a joke it is - here's the New York Mag poll on what pun the Post was going to put out for the Governor Spitzer - Hookergate Scandal.]

NY Mag Predict’s Post Pun

[Also, see hilarious result below. ]

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sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit

Motherfucker.

This video is rigoddamndiculous.  I love whomever made it.

and just for good measure,

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This Guy Could Be God I Suppose

I’m not a particularly religious person.  I grew up catholic, which means I’m an atheist now [thanks, Chris]. But sometimes I wonder, if there really is a God, who on Earth looks like he could be the guy?  And everynow and then, I recognize someone as a possible candidate for “God.”

Today’s diety – JOE SATRIANI

Joe Satriani is ridiculous.

I saw Joe for the foist time in 2001, at my first concert ever – G3 with Joe, Steve Vai, and John Petrucci (who would later become my favorite guitarist of all time).  Saw him again in 04 at the Beacon, and he’s playing tomorrow night at the United Palace on  177th St.  Bit of a hike, ay Joe? C’mon, what are we doin here?

As the God of Education, Satch has taught no less than 15 of the world’s baddest guitar players.  Dudes like Kirk Hammett of Metallica, Alex Slocknick of Testament, Rick Hunolt of Exodus, Larry fucking LaLonde of Primus, and David Bryson of Counting Crows and Steve Vai (wait, no really – STEVE VAI) make up a portion of Satch’s insane list of students.

Not to mention being the author of Summer Song (the definitive Joe song that most people will recognize from various sports venues and video games), as well as LPs Engines of Creation, Crystal Planet, Surfing With the Alien, The Extremist, and a half dozen others.  Oh yeah, and dude was in Deep Purple for a while too.  Yeah, forgot to mention that…..Hey, no big deal, I’m just gonna go ‘head and be in Deep Purple for a little while.  Yea, here we gooooo!”

Dude is for real.

Check out his myspace and seriously get to one of his shows when he tours.  MySpace has almost all his songs for free.  His live shows are nuts, and worth the $45 it costs…plus, he usually plays sweet venues.  His DVDs are pretty rad too.  Peep dem shits.

www.myspace.com/joesatriani and www.satriani.com

Joe Satriani, The God of Education.

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R.I.P. Richard Wright

Pink Floyd co-founder Richard Wright past away today…

Floyd is one of my all-time favorite bands, part of the Top Five – the list of bands that will never change as my absolute favorites (along with Tool, Phish, Opeth, and Alice in Chains).  Wright’s creativity and influence in the band is always underestimated, but his genius gently shines through on so many classic Floyd records.

So sad.

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I’m going on vacation…finally

Not like anyone’s anxiously awaiting my next post…but I’d figure I’d rub it in.  I’m taking a vacation for the first time in two years.

Goodbye forever.

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R.I.P. Don LaFontaine

Read the full news story here

Rest in peace you.

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NY Post > Daily News

The "Weekend at Bernie's" franchise took a left turn when they cast the actually-deceased Marlon Brando.

Today I add to the other [shorter] “List of Reasons Why The Post is Better Than The News” with the above front page image of Charlie Rangel lounging on a chair in the Carribean like a beached whale.  When I saw this on newsstands I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the blatant, unabashed exploitation of such ridiculous photojournalism….before spitting on it and picking up Newsday.

Fuck the Post.